You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
