Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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