i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
