I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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