P.S. I can't hear my feet
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
