my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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