dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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