Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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