remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
