He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
