I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
i need some magic done to my vagina
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
