Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
you had me at cake vodka
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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