Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
