well you can't waste a boner
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
