maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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