I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
