Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
