Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
