And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
