sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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