Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
