Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
