I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
