Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
