now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
