Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
