i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
