i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
