College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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