I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
