We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
