Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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