I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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