I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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