My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
