You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
