Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
