Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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