are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
