I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
