Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
