I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
