You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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