And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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