I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
