listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
They took my balls.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
