i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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