She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
