Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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