Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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