hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
